Nobody better at giving advice.
If you’re not familiar with Theo Von, the comedian and podcaster has become one of the biggest names in comedy over the past few years thanks to his unfiltered and unique thoughts on his podcast This Past Weekend. And when I say “unique thoughts,” I truly mean that: There’s nobody in the world whose brain works the same way that Theo’s does.
I don’t know how he comes up with some of the shit that he says, but Theo often goes viral for his wild stories, bizarre analogies, and just overall hilarious commentary.
During the 2024 presidential election, Theo interviewed President Donald Trump, where the two spent a lot of time discussing the drug crisis. As a recovering addict himself, Theo brought a unique perspective to the conversation – and I don’t think Trump was prepared for what Theo had to say.
Trump, who has never drank alcohol or used drugs, asked Theo about the difference in the effects of using cocaine and alcohol:
“Is cocaine a stronger up? So you’re way up with cocaine, more than anything else you can think of?”
And Theo explained it as only Theo can:
“Cocaine will turn you into a damn owl, homie. You know what I’m saying? You’ll be out on your own porch. You’ll be your own street lamp.”
Classic Theo.
I could go on and on about the wild shit that Theo says, but it’s his latest advice to a fan in a tough situation that has him once again going viral.
During a recent episode, Theo was talking calls from fans, and one guy called in asking Theo for advice, because who wouldn’t want advice from a comedian when you have a serious problem in your life.
(Just a disclaimer, this could just be somebody messing around, but if not, this guy’s down bad).
“I got a situation here. I’ve been talking to this girl for like two years, and it turns out I got her pregnant. After that all happened, the word got around and somehow it turns out she’s my first cousin. Any advice would help, and thank you so much.”
Well that’s not ideal. And Theo had some words of – well, I’m not sure I would call them words of encouragement, but he had some words for the poor guy (who said his name was also Theo).
“Dang brother, that’s uh…ooh. You gonna be raising a dang lizard, homie. Wow brother, good golly. That’s like shooting fish in a…family or whatever.”
Nailed it, that’s exactly how that saying goes.
“I don’t know, I mean I haven’t looked at a chart recently, I don’t know the genetic legalities of that. But dude, yeah, they say don’t pee where, or don’t eat where, don’t piss where your family is, or whatever. Whatever that old saying is, dude, I feel like you’ve gone past that at this point.”
(I think the saying he was trying to come up with was “don’t shit where you eat,” but close enough, we’re counting it).
“You’re gonna need a farrier to come and put shows on that thing.
I’m just chirping you. I’m just chirping you, dude. Look, I feel you. Having a child with a cousin, I think, at the very least it’s gonna need glasses. That thing is going to need bifocals, brother. I mean you’re just playing Russian Roulette with your DNA right there.
But at the same time, man, I don’t wanna scare you. I do believe, I’m kinda chirping you there still, but I believe that everything’s going to be fine. I believe that everything is going to be fine.”
10/10 advice. Never change, Theo.
@theovon family first?
The post Theo Von Goes Viral With Hilarious Advice For A Dude Who Got His Cousin Pregnant: “It’s Gonna Need Glasses” first appeared on Whiskey Riff.