Bombshell Report Reveals NFL Teams Consume “Easily” 80,000 Uncrustables A Year

We've got some hard-hitting journalism from one of the globe's most celebrated publications that tells us all about the eating habits of NFL teams. The sports-centric arm of The New York Times, The Athletic, dove deep on how pro football players snack, and while some players opt for the mandatory three dozen sliced oranges in every visiting locker room, The JM Smucker Company's Uncrustables sandwiches are the biggest favorite by far. https://twitter.com/nytimes/status/1849477472246518247 To think that a classic PB&J predominantly fuels some of the best athletes on the planet makes me think I'm taking my eating habits way too seriously. Just kidding. These dudes can eat pretty much anything. With the rate they burn calories and how elite their metabolisms are, it's almost inconsequential what they put in. Now it can certainly help to eat healthier, but shoot, your standard everyday PB&J evidently more than gets the job done for most. Maybe it's because they have the Walmart heirs as their new ownership, but whatever the case, the Denver Broncos do not run short on Uncrustables. They consume a whopping 700 per week on average, which is more than double the next-closest contender, the Seattle Seahawks. https://twitter.com/samkouvaris/status/1849439113495109659 Is it something to do with the altitude in the Mile High City that has the Broncos hankering for these basic sammiches? Isn't the whole goal to stay super hydrated? Y'all risk drying yourselves out with such insatiable PB&J appetites! Making this about me for a second: I'm a Cincinnati Bengals fan, and the NFLPA graded our food service/nutrition as a freaking "F-" on their annual report card last year. Comes as little surprise since the Bengals' ownership is so low on liquid, but yeah, the Bengals are tied for last with the Saints at 50 Uncrustables consumed per week. You know the Saints are cutting corners because of their hilariously devastating salary cap deficit. That's another joke. The NFL is printing money these days. They could afford it if their players clamored for it. So much good food in New Orleans, why settle for Uncrustables? You know who gets unlimited Uncrustables? The Kansas City Chiefs. Just ask Andy Reid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHVOYBf6Fpk Something about all this sounded awfully familiar. Then I remembered Travis Kelce had four boxes of Uncrustables delivered to his dressing room when he guest hosted Saturday Night Live. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYpIW4xBGxA There's some more backstory in The Athletic article about Uncrustables, but they actually invoked Kelce to illustrate how prolific the sandwich's consumption is around the NFL. That is, each week, the weight of almost three Travis Kelces is consumed in Uncrustables: Around seven hundred pounds. The number of Uncrustables eaten across the NFL annually would also cover more than 18 yards of a football field. So yeah, if you're taking crap for eating frozen, processed foods like Uncrustables, just point out how the biggest NFL stars wolf them them at a staggering rate when their livelihoods quite literally depend on it.