![Lake County Captains]()
Do you aspire to multitask watching baseball and performing basic biological functions? Do you want to rage against the man who's always insisted that you'd better "sh*t or get off the pot"? Do you have a fetish for pooping in public places?
If you answered in the affirmative to any of those hypothetical questions, reader, you're in luck! For the Cleveland Guardians' High-A affiliate team, the Lake County Captains have graced us with an entire row of toilets — we're not talking in the typical commodes! — at Classic Park in Eastlake, Ohio.
https://twitter.com/FOS/status/1806730806192181583
https://twitter.com/LCCaptains/status/1806706744388735266
Oh yeah. Fear not, if you have that triple-loaded, quadruple-processed, animal innards/feces-flecked ballpark hot dog on Dollar Dog Night, and you're not feeling so hot, you can just unload that turd straight away where you're squatted without missing a single pitch.
How does the plumbing even work on these numbers? I have no clue. Plumbers gets a bad rap. The level of engineering sophistication it must've taken to execute this to even bare-minimum sanitation standards is staggering.
You know what would really suck? If you can't actually defecate at these seats, and the whole thing is a sponsorship ploy without functional toilets. I will never forgive the Lake County Captains if this is the case. Don't tease us with such luxury.
DUDE Wipes is already offering to make the sponsor a three-for-one power play, looping Taco Bell into the mix as well.
https://twitter.com/DUDEwipes/status/1806732077590888879
A noble effort, but DUDE, if you're providing a philanthropic service to keep Captains attendees' holes clean, why exacerbate any potential issues by introducing The Bell into the mix? Every third time you gorge Taco Bell, you're liable to get food poisoning unless you have a stomach of steel. Ballpark cuisine traditionally skyrockets the odds of diarrhea as is. Don't worry, DUDE. The so bad but so good foodstuffs beat is covered sans 'Bell.
Some of my pals and I used to make
Jackass videos here and there when we were kids. We never had the guts to replicate the "poop in a hardware store" stunt, though. Thanks to the Lake County Captains' spark of innovative inspiration, the childhood dreams of an entire generation will come to fruition in Ohio, and many of us will vicariously bask in the glory of those megaton dumps from afar.
Sixteen dollars is a bargain for a Dump N' Stump seat at Classic Ballpark.
On-the-record disclaimer: I would never take a poop in a hardware store display toilet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X26DMxWtoNU&pp=ygUWamFja2FzcyBoYXJkd2FyZSBzdG9yZQ%3D%3D
